Usana Reset Cleanse – a delicate review

Facts:

1) you replace ALL OF THE FOOD with 3 x shakes per day, 2 cookie things per day and you can have vegetables or a bit of fruit

2) the shakes (choc, strawb and vanilla) are delicious

4) the cookies are too sweet

5) the shakes have enough fibre to relieve a large mammal

6) you buy it through Usana which is kind of a pyramid selling thing for health food

5 days, all I did for 5 days was crave various things and visit the ladies repeatedly. It ended up coming down to this, I lost 2 kilos and my desert island food is apparently Bega Tasty Cheese and those thin crackers that look like paper. And a bottle of wine.

I changed my coffee to skim with sweetener, I could not go through coffee withdrawal as well.

Day 1 was EASY PEASY, all of the things plus a big bowl of steamed veg with soy. Delicious.

I had had the shakes before, they were great but by Day 2 I remembered that its more of a fibre cleanse and not actually like fasting. Those shakes are full of fibre and probably some kind of thickener which gets really thick with fridge-cold water.

If your diet does not already include panda amounts of fibre your body will go into shock. Your guts will hurt. They will sing the song of the hungry people. Its not good.

Day 3, headaches as well as noisy guts. Day 3 I became obsessed with various foods, but the underlying one was cheese and crackers. Grouchy.

Day 4 headache was terrible, buscopan had to be taken to stop the terrible torture of the sore guts. I had to give myself a firm talking to and decided to go on.

Day 5 YESSSS I could do this, but by 2.30pm I was wobbly on my feet and decided I needed to eat actual real food to make school pickup. 4 seconds and 10 cheese and crackers later the headache  and the wobblies were gone, I was in a better mood but I felt I had done it.

Then I ate chorizo pasta and drank some wine. Some 4 glasses. It was delicious.

I rocked up to Kung Fu the next day for a weigh in. 4.5 days of this diet plus a binge had netted me a 1.9kg loss and a hangover.

It was not easy, it was not pretty but a week later and its still gone. I am considering continuing on the 2 shake replacements a day but it aint cheap and frankly there is sugar in there, I would do better go to on a total meat and fat diet, it would probably be cheaper and more efficient but the problem with that is that I would have to THINK. And we can’t have that.

Efficiency 7/10

Ease (lack of braining, lack of prepping, lack of planning) 9/10

Physical Torture 6.5/10

Willpower challenge 6.5/10

Bathroom visits I give you a 2/10 because you seriously would not want to be at work for this nonsense.

 

Post Election Blues

Holy fuck you cretinous morons.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?

I should calm down and remember that I feast upon not only mainstream media but also alternative media sources (people that care, that don’t get paid for opinion pieces) so maybe I have seen more people pointing out the bad than your average bogan.

But this page was made for swinging voters, or people wanting to vote for LNP for reasons that they cannot articulate but just because the media tells them to, to explain the crap that wasn’t filtering through in a very basic way. It also may or may not have amused the crap out of the converted. Click on the pic below for the link to the full post. You will laugh unless you hate the word fuck.

Screen Shot 2013-09-08 at 8.37.00 AM

It has been pointed out but a couple of people (point taken guys) that I don’t know ALL of the facts, which is true. I absolutely don’t know all of the facts. But neither do ANY of you, it is too big to swallow. I will also admit I get outraged early and easily. All of this is true.

But the fact is, folks, that I have an IQ that I am not ashamed of, I have read watched and swallowed mainstream media, ABC coverage, angry political bloggers, and yes, I do enjoy a meme, mostly because they mock fuckwittery. I live in an incredibly politically aware seat – Grayndler, and my best friends are so politically astute it actually hurts my head, so I am not as thick as one could imagine.

I initially resisted voting Labor, but after actually thinking about it, and despite the fucking mean spiritedness of Labor regarding asylum seekers, and despite the adherence to marriage inequality until the smooth snake himself regained da house, they have achieved a lot of great things. They have achieved these things despite the infighting and backstabbing. Liberal didn’t a) have to govern b) have any of that public infighting but c) produced the most awful policy and costings you would hope for.

Frankly, the budget is very low down on my list of priorities when it comes to good policy, and in the eyes of some this makes me an idiot.  This is me on a personal and national level. Money is here, dear friends, to contribute to our wellbeing, and if enhancing our wellbeing means spending money on things that make us more comfortable or making our life easier or less of a pain in the arse such as the NDIS and the NBN, foreign aid, tackling climate change and I could go on and on, then so be it.

Getup produced a scorecard here. It leaned heavily towards the Greens.

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I did the ABC Political Compass here, and it told me to vote Green. You know what? I get in a plane and I know it should work but my hippocampus flips out despite all the reasoning I do with myself. I *should* vote Green but somehow I feel, even though I know its not right, that not voting for Labor means I am voting for Tony Abbott. Despite this comic that I read AND understood (well dumbed down!)

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All of the whinging about the debt, while I understand debt does suck, we are in much better economic shape than Rupert Murdoch and the coalition would have us believe, their horrendous and embarrassing “savings” come at great cost but only make a $6bn dent in a $400bn debt. GET REAL!

There is an excellent website that you plug your postcode into and it tells you how Abbott will sodomise your suburb. Awesome. Its called ifabbottwinsyoulose and click on the blue to get the link. Try it! I think that its a Labor initiative, but you know, who cares.

Luke Ryan produced this piece that demonstrates this far better than I. I might admit to now being a bit fangirl. I might not. Hard to say! Second favourite bit of wordery after the sweary website.

Well I feel loads better. Not really. But this is some of the information informing my decision on how to vote. Its a shame that the majority of Australians rely on A Current Affair and the Telegraph and shock jocks such as that poisonous fucking joker Alan Jones for their news and opinion pieces.

I was given the courage to publish this (because I know there may be a point or two I am not 100% correct on, lets discuss) by the letter below from the sweary guy

lFthRJY

And if I wasn’t certain that the nation was a bunch of muppets and not voting consciously, I certainly am now after my dear husband pointed out that the Liberal Democratic party (not Liberal National Party, that now holds power) gained seats that they would never have done if the public were not so ignorant, as well as the Motoring Party and the Australian Sports Party.  (Not double checked, but I am an blogger, not a journalist). This is because Australia did not read the ballot paper properly and did not know what they were doing. This is also the result of donkey voting.  You idiots. You complete tools. You were set to do one job, and that was vote in LNP, and you couldn’t even do that properly by putting a 1 in the right box.

Did you think about the future guys or did you only think that politics is “a national disgrace”?

You voted in a man that believes in God, an entity in my strong opinion does not exist and DOES NOT BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE.  Which does exist, has been proven over and over and over and over and over again.

Well let them take away your toys and fuck up your sandpit for the next 3 years, then lets vote Labor back in to clean up the mess and start doing what is good and right.

USA USA USA

I took over 1700 photos while I was there. Seventeen hundred and something. This is not a typo.

I honestly don’t know where to begin, there was such a lot of good (and some bad) that we experienced that just sorting photos alone, let alone cropping, editing and deciding which ones to include is going to take months.

I have discovered that I like road signs and topiary.

I have discovered that I like space and solitude.

I have discovered that although long haul flights truly suck, long haul flights with children suck harder.

I also discovered that Disneyland is truly the happiest place on earth, I have never had so much fun ever. We crammed 35 hours of hard-core Disney action into 3 days. That’s 35 hours out of a possible 72 hours. With 11 people including 4 kids under 10. Not only did we have the most fun any family has EVER had but we are also the most hardcore with the best stamina and more-fun-per-molecule.

So be patient, this is more for me than for anyone else, and maybe the kids, a lot of people might find my happy snaps boring, and that’s OK. I am good with being boring.

love youse
xx

Twice in one year? No WAY!

After 10 long years of not really travelling (NZ doesn’t count because we have both lived there) we are setting out AGAIN less than 3 months after getting home from WORLD OF COOL : Japan.

My inlaws are taking us (11 of us in total) to Disneyland to make good on a promise made to my husband and his sister roughly 32 years ago.

To say this made for a hysterical and shrieky Christmas morning is an understatement. WOW huh?

Tomorrow we fly to San Fran. We spend 4 nights in Haight Ashbury before driving down the coast to LA.

Unbeknownst to us when booking dates the gay pride march is on Saturday. It starts at 10am! Ermagherd! The kids will enjoy it too but sadly no bands playing that weekend. Because the bars are all booked out for after parties.

I am going to endeavour to take photos of all the weird, disturbing and freaky stuff yet again because you can see all the touristy photos on the Internet and they are executed way better than I am capable of.

I fear embarrassing my family but I can feel in my waters that big B is into it too, and we have vowed to go to Walmart together.

I want to thank everyone for their suggestions on less painful travel with kids and great places to go, and particularly our buddy who currently lives in New York for lots of cool info (also about Japan).

I think I might blog as I go while I am there, lets see how that pans out.

Watch this space

Home Time – Day 9

What was not included in this post was a photo of Adam asleep on the plane with my pink eyemask on. You are welcome honey. xx

Charlies socks. Nosebleed cute.

Charlies socks. Nosebleed cute.

Never ever ever again. I will sit on your bag so you cant.

Never ever ever again. I will sit on your bag so you cant.

Bean sweets, like wontons with sweet bean paste inside. OM NOM NOM.

Bean sweets, like wontons with sweet bean paste inside. OM NOM NOM.

Sunrise, somewhere near Straya

Sunrise, somewhere near Straya

More fab billboards

More fab billboards

In foyer of hotel. Made me cry from holding it in. Might have been luggage boy or concierge.

In foyer of hotel. Made me cry from holding it in. Might have been luggage boy or concierge.

Green tea Kit Kat. No I couldnt but Adam did

Green tea Kit Kat. No I couldnt but Adam did

The amazing structure above the hotel and main train station in Kyoto. It was dizzying to look at. It was also earthquake proof.

The amazing structure above the hotel and main train station in Kyoto. It was dizzying to look at. It was also earthquake proof.

Day 8 – Lets Start with an Earthquake

When I was 25 I lived in Wellington but not once did I experience an earthquake. I was an earthquake virgin, which in my opinion is a wonderful thing to be.

At 5.30am I was stirring from my sleep because EARTHQUAKE! Before I was fully awake Adam was up out of bed and pulling me towards the bathroom door frame where I clung onto him waking up and quite petrified. 6.3. It was pretty big. The building was modern and big and long and squat (only 14 stories high) and wobbled like a tower of jelly. When it was over I was already figuring out how to escape this country of potential nuclear strikes and natural disasters and wondering what would happen if the aftershocks hit while we were on a train? No deaths, no aftershocks, no tsunamis. Apparently they happen all the time but this was bigger than usual with an epicentre of about 5km below the surface which is not very deep.

Grumpily I went back to sleep, woke up a couple of hours later straight back into the tourist trail!

Sweet Jesus this is cute.

Sweet Jesus this is cute.

Hello Kitty and I think Miffy at the big golden temple.

Hello Kitty and I think Miffy at the big golden temple.

You could buy these cute little wooden boards and write messages on the back and hang them like this at the temples. Teh Cutes.

You could buy these cute little wooden boards and write messages on the back and hang them like this at the temples. Teh Cutes.

Another AMAZING food, wasabi and seaweed coated peanuts. Utterly addictive.

Another AMAZING food, wasabi and seaweed coated peanuts. Utterly addictive.

I was all "Hey look at this crowded cemetary and the lovely little headstones" Adam was all "You are really thick, this is the Japanese equivalent of the outdoor section of Bunnings" Garden ornaments. Not sacred memories of the dead.

I was all “Hey look at this crowded cemetary and the lovely little headstones” Adam was all “You are really thick, this is the Japanese equivalent of the outdoor section of Bunnings” Garden ornaments. Not sacred memories of the dead.

Catfish. I hate them and their sucky little mouths, I can imagine how that would feel on me, much like octopus suction cups. EWWW. Still these guys were monsters and I was fascinated and took about 100 photos of catfish all over the place. Gross.

Catfish. I hate them and their sucky little mouths, I can imagine how that would feel on me, much like octopus suction cups. EWWW. Still these guys were monsters and I was fascinated and took about 100 photos of catfish all over the place. Gross.

Aprons on what look like tombstones. Outdoor little temple area. Me neither.

Aprons on what look like tombstones. Outdoor little temple area. Me neither.

This was quite cool, such big heavy cherry blossom branches and flowers they built bamboo scaffolding to hold it up.

This was quite cool, such big heavy cherry blossom branches and flowers they built bamboo scaffolding to hold it up.

Zen garden with 15 rocks placed in formation and surrounded by striated gravel. We paid $10 for the privilege.

Zen garden with 15 rocks placed in formation and surrounded by striated gravel. We paid $10 for the privilege.

Nanna Beck, loving the flowers.

Nanna Beck, loving the flowers.

This is a fabulous idea. Densely packed urban areas with no place for parking, communal neighbourhood car parks. Excellent.

This is a fabulous idea. Densely packed urban areas with no place for parking, communal neighbourhood car parks. Excellent.

Yeah, I dont know, I just like it.

Yeah, I dont know, I just like it.

Cartoon on particleboard of unhappy person possibly running across the road. No explanation.

Cartoon on particleboard of unhappy person possibly running across the road. No explanation.

Flower bed just next to a suburban railway station. Sorry about all the flowers. I couldn't help myself.

Flower bed just next to a suburban railway station. Sorry about all the flowers. I couldn’t help myself.

Chiyama not popular at this train station.

Chiyama not popular at this train station.

Shop name. Unrelish. Unreal.

Shop name. Unrelish. Unreal.

Night markets in Kyoto. Both tshirts appropriate for people I know. A few individuals fall into both categories.

Night markets in Kyoto. Both tshirts appropriate for people I know. A few individuals fall into both categories.

Pink or Yellow? I cant decide. Cant I have both?

Pink or Yellow? I cant decide. Cant I have both?

Small alleys in Kyoto that were similar to Piss Alley in Tokyo except the restaurants werent the bottom room of peoples homes and were a bit more legitimate. I loved it. So So much.

Small alleys in Kyoto that were similar to Piss Alley in Tokyo except the restaurants werent the bottom room of peoples homes and were a bit more legitimate. I loved it. So So much.

One side of one of the alleys had buildings that were looking over the river. 5 floors of restaurants in this one building. So much to love about this.

One side of one of the alleys had buildings that were looking over the river. 5 floors of restaurants in this one building. So much to love about this.

We had heard that geniune Geisha were actually very rare and we saw a lot of imitations but these ladies we believed to be the real deal. They were with older men that were behaving quite deferentially to them, their garments were incredible, their makeup was flawless and Japanese people were taking photos of them too. I think we had some photos on the good camera from the front. Gorgeousness.

We had heard that geniune Geisha were actually very rare and we saw a lot of imitations but these ladies we believed to be the real deal. They were with older men that were behaving quite deferentially to them, their garments were incredible, their makeup was flawless and Japanese people were taking photos of them too. I think we had some photos on the good camera from the front. Gorgeousness.

Cinema seats or bus seats? YOU decide.

Cinema seats or bus seats? YOU decide.

Underground department store under our hotel. This one big sign was a goldmine of slightly off translation.

Underground department store under our hotel. This one big sign was a goldmine of slightly off translation.

This photo does no good at capturing the sheer size of the building we were in. No wonder it did not come down in the earthquake. There were (I think) 3 or 4 stories underground, then 11 stories of department store, then we were several stories above that on a rooftop garden and from where I was standing you could tumble down about 7 stories worth of stairs before hitting the escalators going down another 7 stories. Fear of heights? I was shaking. It was unlike anything I had ever seen. A truly amazing building. Daytime photos in next post.

This photo does no good at capturing the sheer size of the building we were in. No wonder it did not come down in the earthquake. There were (I think) 3 or 4 stories underground, then 11 stories of department store, then we were several stories above that on a rooftop garden and from where I was standing you could tumble down about 7 stories worth of stairs before hitting the escalators going down another 7 stories. Fear of heights? I was shaking. It was unlike anything I had ever seen. A truly amazing building. Daytime photos in next post.

How they got the Pocaris to sit still for long enough to harvest this much sweat I really dont know. A wonder of creature husbandry. Isotonic drink, wasnt my favourite but was pretty good.

How they got the Pocaris to sit still for long enough to harvest this much sweat I really dont know. A wonder of creature husbandry. Isotonic drink, wasnt my favourite but was pretty good.

 

Day 7 – the full Kyoto experience – bottom up

Totally had the tiddly poops by this stage, we had to walk down probably 1km of this to get to another place with cars that was JUST as busy looking for a bus back to city. What was sort of charming on the way up was just irrit making on the way down. Adam lightened the mood slightly by photobombing some tourists that I insisted on saving from the group selfie. I didn't know this until we walked off and they were laughing at us and it looked like I set them up. Bad Adam.

Totally had the tiddly poops by this stage, we had to walk down probably 1km of this to get to another place with cars that was JUST as busy looking for a bus back to city. What was sort of charming on the way up was just irrit making on the way down. Adam lightened the mood slightly by photobombing some tourists that I insisted on saving from the group selfie. I didn’t know this until we walked off and they were laughing at us and it looked like I set them up. Bad Adam.

 

 

 

At the big temple. Me neither.

At the big temple. Me neither.

Walking up the windy pedestrian roads to the BIG TEMPLE at the top of the hill. Many many tourists from this point on. Getting a bit cranky after many hours walking, yes. Just wanted some hot sweet tea from a vending machine. As always Adam walking faster than me so its hard to eliminate the back of his head from all the photos.

Walking up the windy pedestrian roads to the BIG TEMPLE at the top of the hill. Many many tourists from this point on. Getting a bit cranky after many hours walking, yes. Just wanted some hot sweet tea from a vending machine. As always Adam walking faster than me so its hard to eliminate the back of his head from all the photos.

This is the dog club, do you see that? No cats allowed. Also very cute signs baffling to the non Chinese Character reader.

This is the dog club, do you see that? No cats allowed. Also very cute signs baffling to the non Chinese Character reader.

Pink wishes (or thoughts) tied to tree branches. Gorgeous. There were variations on this theme all over the place.

Pink wishes (or thoughts) tied to tree branches. Gorgeous. There were variations on this theme all over the place.

Wishes in a temple. Written on bits of paper and tied to these wires. Sweet, superstitious stuff.

Wishes in a temple. Written on bits of paper and tied to these wires. Sweet, superstitious stuff.

Bridal photos. It was so cold I couldnt feel my butt because I suffer from Cold Butt Syndrome that I just made up then. Sensible girl donned a leopard print hoodie between shots. My kind of chick.

Bridal photos. It was so cold I couldnt feel my butt because I suffer from Cold Butt Syndrome that I just made up then. Sensible girl donned a leopard print hoodie between shots. My kind of chick.

Whilst Kyoto aged me 35 years mentally, it subtracted 35 years from my husband. Here he is 4 years old, with a big heart symbol made from arms, in front of the cherry blossoms.

Whilst Kyoto aged me 35 years mentally, it subtracted 35 years from my husband. Here he is 4 years old, with a big heart symbol made from arms, in front of the cherry blossoms.

A wee private temple/ cemetery /place of worship. So lovely. A bit cold.

A wee private temple/ cemetery /place of worship. So lovely. A bit cold.

Allow me to introduce Feral Cheryl.

Allow me to introduce Feral Cheryl.

Feral Cheryls mates. Even Japanese feral animals are polite and tidy. Look at them posing prettily in the cherry blossom petals.

Feral Cheryls mates. Even Japanese feral animals are polite and tidy. Look at them posing prettily in the cherry blossom petals.

Chilly Billy and Shivering Olivia. It was freezing. The cats were just being smart. Ferals again.

Chilly Billy and Shivering Olivia. It was freezing. The cats were just being smart. Ferals again.

I estimated this goldfish to be somewhere between 40 and 50cm long. It was a cracking MONSTER. I loved their big goldfish, so amazing. So many of them too.

I estimated this goldfish to be somewhere between 40 and 50cm long. It was a cracking MONSTER. I loved their big goldfish, so amazing. So many of them too.

Kyoto viaduct what we walked along, allegedly quite old although to be honest I was too lazy to find out how old. Also some bits dangerously narrow. Given my poise, grace, balance and general physical aptitude obviously this was incredibly safe for me to be walking along. Also I was hungry. This is never good because I get cross and clumsier.

Kyoto viaduct what we walked along, allegedly quite old although to be honest I was too lazy to find out how old. Also some bits dangerously narrow. Given my poise, grace, balance and general physical aptitude obviously this was incredibly safe for me to be walking along. Also I was hungry. This is never good because I get cross and clumsier.

Kyoto turned me into a total Grandma, it was so beautiful. This was a home, right up against the canal and the Philosophers Walk, MAJOR tourist walk. Compact houses, tidy, peaceful. How's the serenity? Pretty serene dude.

Kyoto turned me into a total Grandma, it was so beautiful. This was a home, right up against the canal and the Philosophers Walk, MAJOR tourist walk. Compact houses, tidy, peaceful. How’s the serenity? Pretty serene dude.

Australia we are doing all the things wrong. This is how to do the things. See? Ice cream. Of course.

Australia we are doing all the things wrong. This is how to do the things. See? Ice cream. Of course.

Its a shame this wasnt a video because he was saying "HIIIII YA!" exactly like Miss PIggy.

Its a shame this wasnt a video because he was saying “HIIIII YA!” exactly like Miss PIggy.

I saw this and fell into a deep swoon because of, you know, Monkey Magic. I can imagine Tripitaka in there bowing to buddha or some warlord while in another room Pigsy getting jiggy with it.

I saw this and fell into a deep swoon because of, you know, Monkey Magic. I can imagine Tripitaka in there bowing to buddha or some warlord while in another room Pigsy getting jiggy with it.

Those that know me would be surprised that such a dim witted purveyor of white noise would understand the principles behind Zen Buddhism, but you learn something every day. Zen Gravel garden. Mind blowingly beautiful and serene despite the thronging masses of Chinese Tour groups.

Those that know me would be surprised that such a dim witted purveyor of white noise would understand the principles behind Zen Buddhism, but you learn something every day. Zen Gravel garden. Mind blowingly beautiful and serene despite the thronging masses of Chinese Tour groups.

The Philosophers Walk from an old temply part of Kyoto along a canal was just so beautiful, cherry blossoms agogo. Leading from ancient - Dan Brown makes me hate that word- temple to ancient temple. Cherry blossom petals in the flowing canal. I love flowers so I was in Nanna heaven.

The Philosophers Walk from an old temply part of Kyoto along a canal was just so beautiful, cherry blossoms agogo. Leading from ancient – Dan Brown makes me hate that word- temple to ancient temple. Cherry blossom petals in the flowing canal. I love flowers so I was in Nanna heaven.

All day bus pass. Kawaii!

All day bus pass. Kawaii!