The Lizard Queen goes Abroad

Dear Lord, I lived in NZ in the first flush of new love with a hot man. Whom I later married, bred with, emigrated with, and did various mortgagey things. No it’s good, we are too used to each other to even consider other people now, who would have either of us?

Anyway, most of what I remember from living in Wellington was being cold, having fucking sore feet from working at Dymocks, going to see Head Like a Hole (this is the video for Wet Rubber, holy moly has Nigel chucked on the weight since his early 20′s? even more than I have, but chunky is sexy Nigel, don’t let the kids tell you different), and shagging, but not so much the sneezing.

Pretty much every time I have been to NZ since producing sprogs I have sneezed. Not once, twice, three or a million billion times, but continuously. Continously. I don’t stop sneezing or having nasal drip, the entire time. And this is no exaggeration. It NEVER STOPS. Despite taking up to triple the amount of over the counter drugs. It never ever stops. It makes me miserable (actually Adam behaving like a 15 year old around his family makes me miserable, but thats another story).

The last time, 2 years ago, we went we spent a lovely time with the family. The only thing wrong was (my husbands sulking) me developing plantar fasciitis which is still with me to this day, and sneezing relentlessly. I never. Once. Stopped. Sneezing. Motherfucker. Its true. Frank, my FIL suffers with a bit of hayfever now and again so he was very sympathetic, and took me to see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which was fabulous, indeed the best part of staying at Mount Maunganui, becuase the aircon filtered the fucking pollen out. You will all be pleased to know I tactfully went to the toilet during one of the violent rape scenes. Makes it awkward doesn’t it?

So apart from not being ready for our house guest (actually cat sitter, lets be honest) the big thing I am anxious about is sneezing. 11 days of sneezing. Desperate to avoid snotting on my family, irritating people, irritating myself.

I went to the doctor yesterday, she asked how she could help me and I said “GIVE ME DRUGS”.  She appeared to panic for half a second before realising I was both joking AND serious.

And she delivered.

I have 7 Seven SEVEN seven 77777 drugs to take with me to NZ. Not a typo which is why I did it in a number of ways. I have already started on drug one and in a week I increase it to two. If you count saline nasal spray we are going to call it 8.

The problem is, my furry little friend, that when I am with my Pardy Hardy MIL we get on it a little bit. And I am a tad concerned about drug interaction. So I am anticipating a lot of early nights, incoherant sentences, and Twister competitions. Followed by falling asleep in front of the early news and groggy mornings.

I am not sure if you remember my post about being the lizard queen earlier but it’s what I am expecting to be like, as well as a few nosebleeds, and quite frankly its bloody unfair.